The Vulnerability Trap

How Fear and Uncertainty Become the Doorway to Growth and Fulfillment Part 2

We have been accustomed to thinking and feeling one way or another based on our upbringing (and attachment), and on how society has deemed the way to be and the way to live. Sometimes it’s really frustrating because the conditioning is so strong, but you can feel that it doesn’t align with how you feel or who you want to be. So, courage is no longer an outward force that pushes you to be more like what society wants. It’s an internal connection with yourself, and I know just when I made that connection personally, and I don’t think my life will ever be the same again.

In the first part of this two-part series, we walked through what that looks like for men and women and broke down some barriers and limiting beliefs that can prevent us from showing up for ourselves and others. I presented some tips for beginning to recognize and see courage in a new way. I find that having the courage to do, say, and be in ways that make you feel confident fosters personal growth over time. That confidence radiates in a much different way than confidence in things that don’t necessarily align with who you are or who you want to be.

It’s also very difficult because it requires vulnerability.

Photo by Jan Tinneberg on Unsplash

There’s been a big push for people to be vulnerable over the last 5-8 years. It became trendy for social media influencers to talk about their failures to their success, their overweight and unhealthy bodies to their svelte physique and the way that they have conquered their mental health challenges, and you can too. Of course, we know that many of these influencers, while they may want to help because something worked for them, are also out there to make money. And let’s face it, they are not YOU.

People (including myself) are getting tired of it. Let’s face it, that’s why so many of us gravitated to Substack, because we wanted something new.

Something more authentic.

Not just to read but to write about, too.

The downside of “open vulnerability and transformation” that we see online is that it can often leave you feeling worse than you already did. That’s what I call The Vulnerability Trap.

Becoming someone new (or even returning to the you from years gone by) comes with risk. Unless you have a good therapist guiding you through vulnerability practices, being vulnerable has been taught to us by social media. “If I can do it, you can too.” If you’re discerning, you may have picked up a good self-help book or two. It can still be a slippery slope.

There’s no safety net.

You may have no idea how you will feel initially, or how to process those uncomfortable feelings that might arise. Vulnerability can become complicated. But vulnerability can lead to immense personal growth and increased satisfaction in relationships, so most of us feel it is worth it.

For women, learning how not to be invisible within their strength is not easy. It involves being seen (and culturally represented) or recognized for their abilities. The opposite is the hyper-visibility we, as women, have become accustomed to, which leaves us under constant scrutiny and harshly judged for everything from our hair to our bodies. Where is the balance between being admired for our accomplishments and abilities and being adored for our femininity? It’s a question worth thinking about because I’ve found that’s where the balance lives.

The physical strength and often confidence in men are visible, but what’s hidden underneath is maybe a desire to be seen for something other than that strength, day in and day out. Perhaps now, courage means:

I’m not okay.

I need help.

I’m scared.

I miss who I used to be.

This is something my late husband had to reckon with when he was sick. It was incredibly hard to witness, but it was my most profound lesson in vulnerability yet. I’m not suggesting that you need to overtly state any of these things, but look inward to see if there’s something that is sitting inside you in silence.

It’s not healthy for anyone.

We live in a culture that increasingly encourages us to share our stories. While this has helped reduce stigma and create connection, it has also blurred the line between vulnerability and exposure. The two are not the same thing.

The Vulnerability Trap

This tension is something I call The Vulnerability Trap. It’s like we’ve been promised (by people we don’t even know) that being vulnerable is safe. That can be true in the right environment or with the right person. But…

What happens when opening up feels unsafe?

When honesty turns into overexposure?

When we mistake vulnerability for healing?

Vulnerability without boundaries becomes exposure.

Strength without tenderness becomes armour.

Let’s open this up a little more and explore it in greater detail, during which I will also share some of my recent experiences with vulnerability and the tools I used to help me navigate it safely.