Same Love, Different Languages: We All Need Love, We Just Express It Differently
What Lies Beneath the Surface is What We’re Really Trying to Express.
Most of us aren’t asking for too much in love. We’re just asking in ways the other person may not recognize, and we are sometimes not able to communicate it in a way that translates or at all.
We’ve all been led to believe that men and women are very different, and they are, but when it comes to relationships, there are some core relationship needs that we all share. We can love each other deeply and still be wired completely differently. That was how my relationship with my husband was. We were two very different people, but we came together and built our foundation for love from the ground up.
Men and women don’t experience love the same way, and most of our confusion starts there. We are not opposites, but we are not the same either, and that space in between is where relationships are made or missed. We have the same heart, just different wiring.
Photo Credit: Maya-Alexa-G-Romero on Unsplash
Most everyone would embrace love if it were given and received in a way that felt right. But what way is that? Many married people feel like something is missing or that the connection has dulled. Many people, especially in today’s dating app world, have given up and/or become very frustrated and disillusioned with the whole situation. I have been through that married lull, and some situations just fizzle out for various reasons. However, I also found the love I needed. I am beginning to tell our story here and in a memoir I am writing, and it is unfolding in a way that feels natural. It is a story of deep love and, unfortunately, a story of loss. Despite all that, it is hopeful. I call the experience the “circle of love,” and it is a story that you’ve probably never read anywhere before because it was something I never could have predicted. The love, the loss, and the return to love in the most profound way – the circle of love. I understand deep love, and that understanding has only grown through experience – living that love, being cherished, and losing it in tragedy.
I am writing this article through the lens of the lived experience of what it takes to build the foundation for lifelong love. What I have learned is that everyone has the same or similar core needs. It is the same foundation for men and women. We just need to be aware of those core needs and that we both have them. However, the distinction is that it’s the same love, just expressed and received through completely different lenses.
Core Relationship Needs for Both Men and Women
To Feel Seen and Heard
Not just listened to but truly understood. Listening with your heart to understand.
Emotional Safety
A space where you can be honest without fear of criticism, withdrawal or judgment.
Respect
Feeling valued as an equal. Your opinions, boundaries and individuality are honoured.
Trust and Reliability
Consistency over time. Knowing your partner means what they say and that they show up is the cornerstone of building lasting love. Loyalty in the most comprehensive way.
Appreciation and Recognition
Feeling like who you are and what you do matters.
Healthy Communication
The ability to talk, resolve conflict, and repair difficult moments.
Physical Connection & Intimacy
Touch, closeness, and affection that create a sense of warmth, safety and being wanted.
Autonomy
Having space to be yourself, pursue interests, and grow without guilt. When both partners grow in their individual ways, the growth and connection together also flourish.
Shared Meaning or Direction
A sense of building something together, like values, goals, or a future, where each one’s opinion matters and is heard.
Support During Hard Times
Someone who stands beside you, even when they can’t fix things.
When you look at this list of core needs, you might think certain ones lean a bit more towards women or men. I challenge you to let go of that thinking and instead ask yourself how each one might look for your partner, even if you think it leans more towards your needs. These are universal needs. Of course, some are, or a partner might deem as more important than others, but that is for you to determine and share. Building a strong foundation really does take some work. It’s a little like taking inventory of what you have, what you need and how the other person can show up for you and vice versa.
My late husband and I co-created our relationship when we first met in 2010. We used the tools we had at the time to do this, which helped us build and maintain a solid foundation. As I moved along my journey of experiencing deep love, I learned that there is a significant difference in how we express (or don’t express our needs.) Each relationship core need above has nuances that lean towards a particular way of expressing that need. The more we understand this, the more it brings clarity to the rhythm and flow of your own relationship and the more satisfied you are. Let’s take a deeper dive into what men often need (but don’t say out loud) and what women often need (but struggle to articulate), with suggestions on how to make this work.
Beneath the Silence: What He Hopes is Understood Without Saying
Men are not always able to say what they need. Sometimes he doesn’t fully know how to put it into words, sometimes he hasn’t practiced expressing it safely. Maybe emotional safety is just starting to develop, or did not develop in the relationship. Most often, he’s learned early on (socially conditioned) that saying it doesn’t always go well.
My husband was very articulate in expressing his emotions and feelings since day one. I found this very unusual because he was a firefighter, and many have a strong shield up to enable them to do their job and compartmentalize their emotions and reactions to the things they do and see on the job. His willingness and ability to express his emotions were a springboard for why our relationship developed so quickly and deeply. As the job continued to take a toll on him, it became more difficult. But I will say that I believe being able to open emotionally for the average man is the key to building an enduring and satisfying love. This emotional leadership helps women feel supported.
We also created a list of our top needs, so when looking into this more generally, some of the most common ones for men came as no surprise to me, as they were included on his list (as were mine).
Here are 5 of the most common needs most men have (that they don’t always say aloud):
To feel respected
To feel needed without being controlled
Emotional safety without the pressure
Appreciation for what they do
Physical connection as emotional connection
I remember when my late husband and I were discussing our core relationship needs when we met, and his number one was respect. I was a little curious about this because it wasn’t what I expected. I guess, in my experience, respect was a given. I had also wondered if it was related to or defined by a bit of control or dominance.
This is not what it meant, and does not apply to a healthy relationship. It’s about how they are seen and responded to in the relationship. At its core, respect means men need their partner to believe in them, value them and not diminish them. They want to be needed without being told what to do and controlled. They want to be trusted as capable, and it’s less about being “right” but more about seeing them as someone who can handle things.
Tone matters in conversations and conflicts. Healthy conflict looks like open conversation and listening without stripping dignity. This is what builds the emotional safety they need, not the constant reminders or pressure to “open up”. Men want to feel appreciated for what they do, yet want to feel like they matter to you, not just for what they provide. As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, we all need the same core things, but how we express and need to receive these needs differs.
When men are in a committed relationship, they feel and often express their emotions through physical connection. This is particularly true if the other needs are being met. Unfortunately, women can differ quite a bit in a few of these areas in how they express their needs and what leads to those needs being met. This can cause what feels like rejection, but it is more of a misalignment if not fully understood, and we are all speaking the same language. If you understand the jigsaw puzzle, it can all fit together in a fulfilling and cohesive way.
Image credit: Zelit on Deposit Photos
What I am referring to here is the interplay and nuances between masculine and feminine energies. The needs are core, but their expression is masculine or feminine. You can read more about this in a previous article I wrote, called “The Invisible Dance.”
Beneath the Surface: What She Longs to Express but Can’t Always Name Clearly
This is the tricky part for women. We often feel what’s missing. We know what it is, but it is often difficult to name. Part of that is because we feel it, and we know what we are feeling, but we don’t know why. Or we aren’t feeling seen or important in your world for various reasons, and we need some words to help us feel like we matter.
Here are 6 of the most common needs most women have (but sometimes struggle to articulate):
Emotional and physical safety
Emotional prioritization
Consistency
Shared emotional responsibility
Being seen, desired and cherished
Emotional connection before physical connection
I don’t think I have ever felt so connected to someone as I did when my husband and I co-created our relationship. I think it was because I felt heard and seen. Emotional safety came with that, and physical safety was proven to me repeatedly through many different avenues, mostly through intention and consistency.
I am glad that the fact that men need emotional safety has come out more in the last couple of years, because when men feel safe in their relationship to be vulnerable and share their needs and emotions, that only nourishes and/or builds on the foundational needs women have. This increases the connection between the two people. Emotional and physical safety for women is paramount. This sense of security and peace enables women to lower their shields and receive the love and support men have to offer. Emotional safety refers to having one’s feelings validated.
Understanding that women’s hormones are always changing, unlike men’s hormones, which are usually stable, is important for validating emotional expression and prioritizing emotional needs. Being able to freely express what they are currently feeling without judgment or downplay is freeing for women. When men stand alongside and support them through their presence and listening, not only do women feel heard, but they also feel indirectly physically protected. Physical safety is neither aggressive, controlling, nor performative. It’s more like “I’ve got this”. Sometimes, it is just little things like ensuring the doors are locked before bed. It’s reassuring to her that everything will be okay in situations that may cause her some fear or unease.
Women want to feel that their partner prioritizes the emotional aspects of a relationship in shared emotional responsibility. No, this doesn’t mean men have to pour out their feelings. It means not expecting her to do all the emotional labour, such as initiating talks, fixing issues, and holding space. Another example is when a man might shut down, and she needs to keep trying to “reach” him. This emotional labour can be exhausting. This is where clear and respectful communication comes in when both partners are willing to have a conversation and feel comfortable initiating it. Consistency over intensity always wins with women. Women want to know that you mean what you say and you follow through. It builds trust and connection, which in turn leads to feeling emotionally and physically safe. When a man is consistent, and a woman feels safe, she can be more responsive, which is what female energy naturally does in the right conditions.
When a woman feels seen and desired, it may start with a compliment, such as “you look beautiful,” before an evening out or with complimentary comments in everyday life. If you are familiar with love languages, women often identify “words of affirmation” as their top love language. This is one area where women find it difficult to communicate their needs because they desire authentic affirmation, not one being prompted. Affirmation through nice comments or compliments is not something a woman wants to ask for. A gentle touch, as both of you are in the kitchen or holding hands, or a hand to hold as you cross the street, are ways that women build emotional connection with you throughout the day or evening and feel seen and desired. A warm hug when she is feeling stressed or down is another way. There is some refinement needed to clarify this, because it’s not black and white. Women often complain that their partners are not attentive and engaged throughout the day/evening until it’s the end of the night. This is where resentment can build, because it’s perceived as a one-sided need for physical touch.
Being cherished is next-level love. It is an underlying desire for most women. I feel grateful to know what it feels like to be cherished because my late husband cherished me for as long as he could. It is love like no other, and it’s a daily practice. (That is a whole other story I will get into in future writing and share in my upcoming memoir.)
For many women, emotional connection comes before physical connection. A big reason for that is the mental and daily load they’re carrying, like keeping track of schedules, appointments, kids’ needs, and often a large share of the household, on top of work. That constant responsibility can leave them mentally and physically drained.
Because of that, connection doesn’t usually start in the bedroom; it starts with how supported she feels throughout the day.
What helps:
When you notice what she’s carrying and actively step in to share the load, it matters. It gives her space to breathe, reset, and feel like she’s not doing life alone.
Small, consistent actions go a long way:
Checking in during the day with a quick text or call
Helping without being asked
Showing appreciation for what she’s managing
Simple physical touch in passing, like a hand on her back, a hug while you’re both moving through the evening
These things build emotional connection over time. When she feels supported, seen, and has had a moment to come back to herself, she’s much more open to physical connection. For her, it’s not separate—it’s a natural extension of feeling close to you.
You can see that these needs often parallel men’s needs, but in slightly different ways. They are expressed differently and received differently, but at the end of the day, they are very similar and form part of the core needs of any relationship.
We are not asking for too much in love. We just need to understand that love is expressed in different ways. Understanding each other better as individuals is a great place to start.